Betrayal Repair Work Phase 3/4: Forgiveness/Letting Go/Moving Forward
As a refresh, this is the third phase of a 4-phase process. Read Phase 1 here and Phase 2 here.
To explain the third phase of betrayal repair, we’ll use the same example as before—let’s say a monogamous couple comes to you for sessions and Partner A (Sam) has cheated on Partner B (Casey). These are not real people. I used these names because they’re gender neutral and they’re not based on anyone in particular.
Indiscretions like this can look smaller (like flirty messages online that don’t go further) or they can look bigger (like multiple years-long affairs with multiple people and lots of lying or a second secret life). For our purposes here, let’s imagine that Sam and Casey have been experiencing lasting conflict that they haven’t been able to solve and then Sam sleeps with someone once while they’re away on a trip and then shares it afterwards with Casey.
If you’ve already helped work with this couple through Phase 1 and 2 and they’ve participated in the process in good faith, you’ll probably feel them being ready to forgive, let go, and move forward, because this is generally what I find people are eager for.
So let’s talk about this. This phase may be less facilitated than the others because it’s a part of their process that usually begins to happen organically between the two of them because a need has been met.
If they go through a Phase 1 apology and a Phase 2 amends process in good faith and aren't ready to move forward constructively, I would be curious about what need didn’t get met, what part of the process didn’t complete, or what more they think they need and then I’d facilitate to that. That could take one session or more, but generally, we’re moving towards being ready to move forward without rushing them, but also with the awareness that we can’t keep Sam in the doghouse forever.
I only go through this whole process with couples who are able to engage with it in good faith and who also are relatively certain that they want to stay together and move past what happened. Sometimes either the fit is off between them, the betrayal is so big, the underlying issues prove to be dealbreakers, or one partner isn’t able to participate in the process, and I have found that those couples tend to move towards ending their relationship or they stay fighting about it.
For the couples, like Sam and Casey, who have moved through Phase 1 + 2 and are organically moving towards Phase 3, you’ll know not just because the amends process is wrapping up, but because there will be more connection between them, more generosity, and the sense of security is returning.
It’s been my experience that people often worry that forgiving or letting go or moving on is like saying either that it didn’t happen or that it’s ok that it happened. No. The idea here is that through the betrayal repair work, hopefully the couple has gotten closer, has learned more about how to support a sense of security between them, and has used the conflict as a doorway toward more togetherness.
With that in place, it means that even though most of the process is behind them, Sam is still sensitive to Casey’s needs around this and Casey doesn’t have to fear bringing it up to Sam. On Sam’s side, they’re sensitive to Casey’s hurt and on Casey’s side they’re sensitive to not putting Sam back in the doghouse.
Again, these aren’t performative phases that Sam and Casey then have to pretend about. This is an organic process meant to change the way the betrayal lives between them so that it alchemizes into something different and constructive. I’m giving you this structure to use but do understand that of course, every couple is different and has different needs. Plenty of couples who have worked with me make this their own by adding or removing stages, or doing what feels right to them. That’s great.
The main points I wanted to make here are that forgiveness, letting go, and moving forward:
Aren’t to be forced.
May not be a destination for everyone, and those couples may figure out that they can’t continue together.
Doesn’t mean that Sam and Casey can’t talk about what happened anymore. But now the way they talk about it will be different.
Generally happen organically through us learning the shape and context of the need that has arisen from the betrayal and helping that need to get validated and met.
If you’re seeing a couple who’s successfully moved through a Phase 1 apology, a Phase 2 amends process, and seems to be closer and more forgiving and ready to move on(Phase 3), they will likely begin to move into the final stage—doing the deeper work around how they got here in the first place.
Remember how I said, in my example with Sam and Casey, that they’d been fighting without being able to resolve it? Phase 4 is all about that. I’ll share all about this next week!
See you then!
Please forward this to anyone that comes to mind if you think they’d enjoy it. :)
