Betrayal Repair Work Phase 4/4: The Deeper Work (How'd We Get Here?)

As a refresh, this is the fourth phase of a 4-phase process. Read Phase 1 here, Phase 2 here, and Phase 3 here.

To explain the fourth phase of betrayal repair, we’ll use the same example as before—let’s say a monogamous couple comes to you for sessions and Partner A (Sam) has cheated on Partner B (Casey). These are not real people. I used these names because they’re gender neutral and they’re not based on anyone in particular.

Indiscretions like this can look smaller (like flirty messages online that don’t go further) or they can look bigger (like multiple years-long affairs with multiple people and lots of lying or a second secret life). For our purposes here, let’s imagine that Sam and Casey have been experiencing lasting conflict that they haven’t been able to solve and then Sam sleeps with someone once while they’re away on a trip and then shares it afterwards with Casey.

If you’ve already helped work with this couple through Phase 1, 2, and 3 and they’ve participated in the process in good faith, you’ll probably feel them start to be ready to address the bigger issues in their relationship that may have led to the cheating.

I suppose I’m suggesting that cheating like this happens for one of two reasons. Either the person who cheated has some individual things they’re grappling with or the couple together has some things they’re grappling with. Or both. In my example scenario, I mentioned Sam and Casey having conflict that they hadn’t been able to solve between them.

This is the time where you get to do the therapeutic work around their dynamic. There will be bits of this threaded throughout the other phases, but the reason I feel that this is its own distinct phase is because some betrayals—an affair is a good example of this—are wake-up calls. They tend to make people sit up and open their eyes and be diligent in the phases I’ve already described.

It’s not always the case, but it sometimes happens that the wake-up call renders the one who broke trust in the first place kind of on their best behavior. This can mean that conflict lessens for a while at first, even if the underlying issues haven’t been addressed.

As the couple progresses through the betrayal repair work, I have found that inevitably, they begin to unpack the way things were before this happened. What’s important about this being a Phase 4 process is that now, after working through phases 1, 2, and 3, Sam and Casey are in a different place with each other.

The blame is no longer toxic, Sam is no longer in the doghouse, Casey has gotten some of their needs met, and the couple will be capable of a more holistic lens. Meaning that the way that Sam and Casey will discuss their relationship, what they see about their dynamic, what they will be willing to own on their side, and how they will hear each other will be different. Not just different, but productive to the process.

We want this because most couples want to know how they got here and how to not land back here again and also because when the couple begins to see it holistically, it further lessens the shock of it.

Now, there’s nothing at all about looking at this as a dynamic between them that suggests that Casey is in some way responsible for Sam cheating. No. It was Sam’s responsibility that they cheated, but this is about looking at the deeper layers around what feelings were happening for Sam and Casey both that led to each one of them having conflict they couldn’t resolve.

I don’t necessarily think that Phase 4 has a distinct beginning or end, but clarity about how they got here, with each partner having some understanding of their part in any dynamic at play is the goal. Then you can support the couple to work through those issues and provide them with tools, same as you would any couple.

This is the work that is kind of the whole point in the first place, but I have found that it’s very difficult to have a successful experience of this part of the process without the preceding 3 phases because the blame, shock, hurt, betrayal, and anger are just so loud. So that’s why the apology, the amends process, and the readiness to move forward come first.

I hope this 4-phase betrayal repair process has been helpful for you! See you next week. :)

Please forward this to anyone that comes to mind if you think they’d enjoy it. :)