Betrayal Repair Work Phase 2/4: The Amends Process

As a refresh, this is the second phase of a 4-phase process. Read Phase 1 here.

To explain the second phase of betrayal repair, we’ll use the same example as last week—let’s say a monogamous couple comes to you for sessions and Partner A (Sam) has cheated on Partner B (Casey). These are not real people. I used these names because they’re gender neutral and they’re not based on anyone in particular.

Indiscretions like this can look smaller (like flirty messages online that don’t go further) or they can look bigger (like multiple years-long affairs with multiple people and lots of lying or a second secret life). For our purposes here, let’s imagine that Sam and Casey have been experiencing lasting conflict that they haven’t been able to solve and then Sam sleeps with someone once while they’re away on a trip and then shares it afterwards with Casey.

After the Phase 1 Apology that I detailed here, the next step is Phase 2: The Amends Process. Note that I don’t believe a couple will be ready for this phase until they’ve done Phase 1.

Without a process of making amends to help the couple heal, one or both partners will usually keep Sam (the one who broke trust) in the doghouse. Indefinitely. I’m sure you can picture this. The couple doesn’t know how to move on and keeps getting stuck in blaming and fighting circularly about this same thing, but the fights go nowhere. It comes up whenever they’re upset, then goes back into the recesses when things are better, but it never goes entirely away.

Keeping a partner perpetually in the doghouse is a recipe for contempt, resentment, and it’s toxic to a healthy and loving dynamic, so we have to find a way to be constructive in the process of repairing what happened without simply requiring the partner who was hurt to get over it, because that is a further betrayal.

Here’s how I do this with couples.

Now that there’s a heartfelt and responsible apology between them (Phase 1), I can facilitate a conversation with Casey, whose trust was broken, about what hurts the most about this. I do this so that Casey gets to have an experience of being heard, and they can know that their pain is real to me, and also because as I listen, I begin to hear what I need to help them move into Phase 2.

I’m listening for what Casey might need, whether they’re able to articulate it clearly or not. These might be things like

• Knowing for sure that there’s no more communication between Sam and the person they cheated with

• Those phone numbers, social media, etc all blocked/deleted

• Sam sharing more of the household load of labor

• Consistent compassion from Sam if Casey is triggered or struggling with what happened

• Sam not defending themselves

• Gestures and attempts from Sam to rebuild security between them

And I’ll ask Casey directly what they feel like they’d need to be able to move beyond this. We take notes together.

Then we ask Sam if these things sound reasonable to them. The point here is to invite Sam, the one who broke trust, to go out of their way to make some efforts that they know will help their partner—and this part is important—over the course of a set period of time.

Meaning that once we’ve made a list of things that would feel good for Casey and that Sam is willing to do, we set a time container. Usually this is anywhere from 2-8 weeks.

During those 2-8 weeks, Sam is in the doghouse and Casey is working not on shaming them or keeping them there, but on receiving the efforts of Sam, so that when the time container is up and the amends process expires, Casey has witnessed the efforts of Sam and is far more ready to forgive and let go.

This process may look like it weighs heavier on Sam and solidifies their place in the doghouse, or that it’s a punishment, but actually, part of why this works is because both partners have to be invested in the process because the work is equal—Sam is making an effort to make amends and at the end of it, Casey is going to do the work of forgiving.

During those 2-8 weeks of the amends process, our session work is about supporting this process and helping both Sam and Casey participate in the process in good faith. Of course, this is key and none of the phases here will work without it.

If we’ve all done our parts here, it’s been my experience that the couple is ready to move into Phase 3: Forgiveness/Letting Go/Moving Forward. I’ll share all about that next week.

See you then!

Please forward this to anyone that comes to mind if you think they’d enjoy it. :)