What to Do When Your Client is in the Wrong Relationship
One of the most tender bits about being a therapist is that we end up caring so deeply for our clients…and yet we have to let them make their own (sometimes bad) decisions.
While we’re human and may have opinions about the choices our clients make, no matter how long we work with someone, it’s not our job to make sure they know what we think. I don’t mean that we silently judge them. I mean that we get compassionate to where they are, humble ourselves, remember that we don’t know everything, and shift back into trusting their process.
Obviously if there’s suspected abuse and we’re a mandatory reporter, well, we need to do what we need to do, but here I’m talking about situations where there’s no threat of serious harm.
Of course, many of our opinions about our client’s choices are rooted in the fact that what we want for them is whatever is healthy and good.
Still, we must let them be where they are and respect their process. In my mentorship of practitioners it seems like this gets hardest when they feel their client is in an unhealthy relationship.
I’ve been there. Of course I have, it’s part of the job.
But our job isn’t to judge or to be the one who knows better. Our job is to stay Client-Centered, see what we see about the nuances of our client’s experience and help them notice things, explore how they feel about it, and acknowledge the impact it’s having on them. It’s to help them see clearly. No agenda on our part.
How we do this, no matter how strong our personality can be in the room, is important because if they feel that we have an expectation or judgement or agenda, now the sanctity of the relationship is compromised. The client might feel less free to express themselves; they might feel pressured by us and push back unconsciously; or they might start to not trust themselves and trust us instead, giving away their power, when what we want to work towards is them trusting themselves more, while feeling our supportive presence at their backs.
The relationship with your client can get all gunked up by this extra noise. And I would offer that maintaining a clean and supportive relationship with your client, one in which you can explore their experience of the romantic relationship in question, is more important than you expressing your opinions about their love life. Of course, in cases where there is real harm and safety concerns, that’s different.
Suspending judgement in order to stay open and let your understanding of your client and their situation develop is a great practice because it helps you to see all kinds of things your bias might not let you see. And the best part is that this practice eventually becomes a habit with clients, which is great for them because they end up feeling they can share anything with you because you won’t judge them or try and push them.
The therapeutic relationship is sacred and how we hold it makes a huge difference to our clients. Being Client-Centered is the first core principle of SomaField and you can read more about it here.
And because I know know things like this can worry folks…no, I’m not taking about you or your relationship. I promise! My inspiration to write this was a conversation with a practitioner about their own struggle with this.
Please forward this to anyone that comes to mind if you think they’d enjoy it. :)
