Holidays. Family. Otherwise Known as Boundary Season.
It’s the holidays. Which means family. Which means my practice is currently full of boundary discussions. I’m sure that’s true for many of you too.
Since I’ve found myself repeating little ditties about boundaries to so many clients lately, I thought it might be a good idea to write about it here too. I’ve found there’s a lot of confusion around all things boundaries.
So here we go. First off, the way boundaries are often taught and discussed is like this, “You can’t treat me this way” or “Stop doing xyz.” The primary confusion I see people have about boundaries is that they, consciously or unconsciously, think of boundaries as something that serves to control the behavior of another.
They think if they just find the right way to say it or the right boundary to set, maybe the other person will listen to what they need.
But boundaries aren’t about changing what the other person does because, all together now…we can’t change anyone else. We know this and yet…we try. What boundaries are actually about is the ways we hold or protect or manage ourselves in response to the ways other people behave.
They can look like some of these examples:
If you’ve already let your parents know a couple times that you don’t want to rehash something and they keep bringing it up, you might leave the room next time or change the subject.
If a family member continues to make comments about your appearance despite being asked not to, you might begin to avoid them at the gathering.
If a family member has a drinking problem that isn’t healthy for you to be around, you might make decisions like leaving, avoiding them, or only attending during the part of the gathering when they’re sober.
What I’m saying is that if a family member continues to push a boundary you’ve already set, your enforcement of that boundary might look like consequences for them. Not because you intend to punish them, but because you are the only one in charge of taking care of your boundaries and if the other person isn’t going to respect them, this is how you do just that.
I would suggest that boundaries have 3 parts:
You make a fair and reasonable request.
If that request isn’t honored, you might repeat it and state the consequence. For instance, you might not be able to stay in a conversation if a certain boundary isn’t honored.
(This is the step most people miss): You enforce your boundary through action: removing yourself or taking space or pausing or changing the subject or engaging in a constructive conversation about their not honoring your boundary (if the other person is willing to listen). This is so that your boundary is in your own hands rather than the hands of someone who may or may not honor it.
Since boundaries are about the ways we take care of ourselves, this also means we sometimes need to set them with ourselves. Meaning that sometimes, we watch ourselves engage in self-destructive thoughts or behavior that doesn’t support good outcomes for us. During these times, we can practice finding an internal parent who can kindly take our hand and pull us away from that for a second to say, “Hey, that’s not helping.” And then we need to redirect our thoughts and attention elsewhere to something more supportive.
I hope these are good reminders for you this season. This post is a good example of the 6th core principle of SomaField (my signature therapeutic approach)---Psychoeducation. It’s often useful to explain psychological concepts to a client in clear language that can land in their bodies. You can read more about my thoughts on offering Psychoeducation to clients here.
Please forward this to anyone that comes to mind if you think they’d enjoy it. :)
